Llama Q & A, Vol. 1

Greetings once more, friends of Internet.  Llama still await in patience arrival of Bolivian Pixie, future bride.  In order prevent farmer review of credit card statement, llama has spent several afternoon in eating of mailbox correspondences.  Thus far, all seem to be going like work of clock, and llama has provide additional funding for expedient delivery of llama princess.  In meantime, will now respond to submitted questionings of faithful readers!

Gypsy Lady asks:

Were you ever attracted to Tina, the llama, from Napoleon Dynamite?

Llamas so rare in cinema viewings, that nearly any camelid (excepting dirty alpacas) have tendency to make llama very excite.  Tina portrayed as rather high maintenance, but llama believe this to be strict character choice.  Must admit, llama feel much more excitement in fuzziest of places for Dame Helen Mirren.  Such screen presence!

From a llama’s perspective, how was the world created?  However Earth came to be, do you believe that it was really made for man, or perhaps for llama?

Good question, gypsy lady.  Theories in certain abound as to origins of world.  While most beings of course adhere to well-worn belief that universe spat from belly of Great Llama, many feel that in more likeliness all matter shat from Great Llama posterior.  This provide more plausible explaining for lush grasses of world.  Llama unsure of such beginnings, but believe life brought to Earth by race of alien camelid visitors.  Of course Earth not create for silly man!  Is why bitter humans attempting to destroy planet.  Or maybe just very stupid.  After all, most human persons also give no thought to possibility of Llama Jesus.

Friend Jon asks: 

How do you feel about the portrayal of llamas in the media?

Llamas ignored almost entire in media…is why good Tina (noted above) only example most able to cite.  Whenever llamas are to be seen, always spit spit spitting or biting at holder of camera.  Create sense that llamas make trouble.  Llama sees no footages of respectable brothers and sisters providing fertilizers, or protecting sheep and barn fowl, or visiting unstable seniors in nursing centers.

Have you ever interacted with anyone outside of the farm?

What call this, friend Jon…not interaction? But serious, folks.  Llama have diverse interactions with many non-farm dwellers.  Each week, local children come to throw rocks at llama head.  Also, in frequency, gang of alpaca from neighboring farm come to taunt llama for loneliness and isolate.  And one time, llama go on unforgettable visit to veterinarian after fall on pointed stick pierce prodigious testicle pouch.

What happened between the farmer and his wife?  Why wouldn’t she take you with her?

Is long story.  Llama summarize.  Beautiful farmer wife, when awaking from mistaken delusions of youth, made realize that life with stupid as hole farmer would be dismal existence of no culture and adventurings.  Farmer wife flee.  Llama can provide little insight as to why llama not taken as joyful traveling companion.  Many was day that llama sat listening to lovely recitings of grand poetry from farmhouse porch.  Is possible that farmer wife not reciprocate affections of llama, but choose believe that llama left behind to help ensure that owner is not committing farmicide.  Llama know, very dark.

Anonymous asks:

Llama is such handsome, and with many evident quality of heroism and intelligent.  Llama would make greatest companion.  How can readers entice llama please to share living arrangements?

How nice to ask, anonymous reader!  Sound much like individual of wisdom and intellect.  And what unexpected question!  Suppose if readers would like friend llama for faithful living companion, need only possess moving trailer with abilities to accommodate llama, friend Sundance Cat, and forthcoming bride.  Also must travel to Buford, Wyoming.  Sooner better.  Just please to let llama know, kind readers!

That must be all for now.  Thanks to faithful followers for submissions, llama much enjoy first question and answering session.  Will perform again.  Llama must be going now, as secrecy and non-detection critical until Bolivian Pixie arrive.  Wish luck.

The Great Llama Caper

caper (noun)

1. a playful skip or leap

2. a high-spirited escapade

escapade (noun)

1. a wild or exciting adventure, especially one that is mischievous or unlawful

Llama very excite.

As faithful readers (all three) of llama know, many feelings of lonely and sorrow have trouble llama of late.  Farmer believe one llama sufficient for needs of farm.  Even after llama contribute warm fibers, even after llama provide feces for fertilizing purposes, farmer continue to keep llama in isolate.  Until now, llama accept, and attempt filling of void with bark chewing, Sundance Cat adventures, and Internet exploits.

Now, llama take no more.

This evening, llama performing entirely innocent Internet seekings for images of favorite actress and potential soul mate, Dame Helen Mirren…

…when of sudden, it occur that other members of llama species may have virtual presence.  After brief delay, llama alter seeking parameters and make momentous discovery: Llamas For Sale.

Amazing!  Magic of Internet is providing opportunities for annihilation of camelid loneliness!  Llama look to Sundance Cat for partner in celebration, but friend cat deep in midst of self-pleasing grooming rituals.  Next, frantic searchings ensue for credit card of farmer.  Luckily, stupid as hole farmer keep wallet on clear display.  Llama promptly instigate Internet correspondence, and very soon proud purchaser (and future mate) of following beauty:

What glory!  What majesty!  Seller describe ‘Bolivian Pixie’ as friendly, sturdy import with dense, medium wool and heavy bone.  Llama describe as angel with pristine auburn flanks and creamy white cranium fur.  Much like Dame Helen, soon-to-be bride somewhat older than llama, but humble blog narrator hold no concern for such taboo.

Llama include extra funding for expedient delivery, but must wait still for bride.  Know not what expect: Will bride be please with llama?  Will farmer turn away companion?  Will llama receive severe beating?  Impossible to say.  Llama must wait…and hope.

Dear friends, necessity force llama to keep very low profile in forthcoming days, lest suspicions of farmer be raised.  As such, will wait until new week before returning for updates of adventures.  Please, be patient, like llama.  In meantime, readers welcome to submit questions for response of llama in next week entry.  Seeking advice for own human relationship?  Require assist with homeworkings?  Have inquiries in regard to life of llama?  Llama will answer.

Many thanks for follow.

The Unexamined Llife

Greetings once more, friends of Internet.  Llama has return to share with you thoughts and philosophies of life.  Yes, blog entry go to deep places for llama tonight.  Let first begin by explain.

Llama feeling very sad as of late.  Not to burden kind reader with unfunny woes, but life of llama leave much to be desire.  Even with fresh Internet exploits, inner void remain unfilled.  Sundance Cat great friend and compatriot, but llama still very much solitary creature since exodus of farmer wife.  In short, llama is lonely.  Llama have no being to love.  Worse, eHarmony continue to reject llama profile.

As result of miseries, llama begin to take stock of life.  Believe dead Greek human Socrates once say “unexamined life is not worth living.”  Llama agree very much, and begin life examination promptly.  Examination take very little time.  Personal inventory induce sadness anew.

To lift spirit, llama search for heartwarming cinema experience.  After many seekings, llama stumble upon animated story of family titled Grave of the Fireflies.  Seem like good choice of traditional animate.  Llama spit spit spit at computer-generate nonsenses of today (Note: Llama was not at all prepare for depression-inducing prologue of Up).  Also, as sometime take pleasure in pursue and eating of fireflies, llama grimly fascinate by prospect of tiny burial chambers for aforementioned creatures.

Holy llama deity.  Llama not expectant of film experience.  Soon find self plunged into new miseries and worries.  For example: What if Buford, Wyoming target of bomb?  What if llama and Sundance Cat force to endure post-nuclear wandering survival struggles?  Dreams to be plagued for many sleeps.  Llama consider search of farmhouse for bottled water and batteries, but calm manner of friend cat soon return rationalities to blog narrator.

As cinema fail to bring happiness this night, llama return to philosophy for answers.  Admittedly, llama somewhat unfamiliar with human philosophies, while camelid philosophies are primarily concern with coat fiber and grasses.  Llama seek existential experiences, and turn to Internet searching for great thinkers of past.  Soon llama is finding thoughts of revered human Friedrich Nietzsche.

This man possible more miserable than llama, and unsure of having correct understanding of many Nietzsche positions.  To increase educate, llama examine numerous thoughts of thinker.  Analysis provide below:

Nietzsche Thought #1: A subject for a great poet would be God's boredom after the seventh day of creation. 

Analysis: Another subject be llama boredom in care of stupid farmer.

Nietzsche Thought #2: A friend should be a master at guessing and keeping still: you must not want to see everything. 

Analysis: Friend Sundance Cat very masterful at still-keeping on back of llama, unless tending to private areas; in such instance, friend also have tendency to make grand display.  Unsure of conclusion to draw.

Nietzsche Thought #3: A good writer possesses not only his own spirit but also the spirit of his friends. 

Analysis: Llama must learn theft of souls if blog to reach great status.

Nietzsche Thought #4: A pair of powerful spectacles has sometimes sufficed to cure a person in love. 

Analysis: Uncertain if dichromatic color vision pose advantage or barrier to llama in department of love.  Certainly pair of powerful testicles must be asset.  Nietzsche silent on matter.

Nietzsche Thought #5: After coming into contact with a religious man, I always feel I must wash my hands. 

Analysis: Also good advice wash hands after contact with dirty, disease-ridden alpaca.

Nietzsche Thought #6: And if you gaze for long into an abyss, the abyss gazes also into you. 

Analysis: Llama unaware of Nietzsche visit to Buford, Wyoming.

Moral for llama?  While life in abyss continue, at least llama not only creature to have sufferings.  In fact, llama have schemes in hope of happiness restoration.  Can say no more for now, reader, but continue following of blog for discoveries of master plan.

And remember, if need friend, llama here.

Of Misery and Happenstance

Greetings yet again, friends of Internet.  Much woe to relate tonight.  Much sadness.  Was very bad day for llama.  Very dark.

To begin, farmer awake and discover traces of milk on floor of kitchen from previous night adventures.  Suppose llama neglect cleaning somewhat while in clutches of classic cinema experience.  Many profanities to be heard from farmhouse window.  But as llama was secure safely in pen at time of discovery, suspicion focused entire on Sundance Cat.  What noble friend!  Sundance receive blame in total silence and bravely accept punishment for crime of other, much like Sydney Carton from Tale of Two Cities.  Noble friend cat banished to out of doors for day while farmer work.  In protest of unjust treatment, Sundance Cat lick privates on back porch for full hour.

In act of solidarity, llama let self from pen during daytime absence of farmer.  Llama look for own form of protest to stage.  This when llama discover azaleas growing near farmhouse.  Film grandeur of prior night leave llama hungry for new experience.  Beautiful wife of farmer plant azaleas prior to exodus, and now seem fitting tribute to deprive farmer of their joy.

Let me tell, azaleas very delicious…but warn!  Very soon, Satan leaping to and fro in belly of llama.  Much moaning.  Much wailing.  Many appeals made to llama deity, but no response given to plight of llama, as per custom.  Sundance Cat very solemn during this time, and resume protest on porch of house.  Llama feel very bad almost day entire.  Not even chewing of Box Elder tree bark able to bring comfort.

Only happiness of day mysterious non-appearance of rock-throwing delinquents.  Hopefully children dead.

Farmer return from working quite late and in bed very soon.  Thankfully, llama sufficiently recovered to infiltrate farmhouse once more and tell Internet friends of fresh miseries.  To show Sundance Cat how much appreciate noble sacrifice of morning, llama hold special screening of beloved film Milo and Otis.  Activities of film remind very much of llama and Sundance Cat own adventures and exploits.  Know friend cat very moved, and llama not without tears as well.  Sundance Cat humorously lick privates atop back of llama in memory of earlier protesting.  Still laughing very much from antics of hilarious companion.

This all to report from day, new friends.  Must keep low profile.  Will return soon with new reportings of farm life and reviews of important films.  Be sure to tell friends about llama, to enable reach larger audience on world stage.  Llama hope to entertain and educate.  Farmer have no concern with educate.  Is why stupid farmer.

The Sound of Music: A Review, by Stu Llama

Greetings once more, friends of Internet.  Thought to try something new for blog entry tonight.  As cinephile, llama spend much time viewing important films.  In fact, this almost certainly primary hobby, as am not sure that chewing bark from Box Elder trees or having rocks thrown at head by local children qualify.  Llama form many opinions in regard to films, but with no outlet for expression excepting Sundance Cat.  In honest, Sundance Cat demonstrate very little concern for llama opinions of important films.  Therefore, llama will share feelings on blog for larger world.  Farmer once more sleeping in tender embrace of drink, and llama has entered farmhouse for adventures. 
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Tonight, llama view Sound of Music.  What thrill!  What splendor!  Opening shots of lush grasses on mountainside had salivation building.  Maria also remind very much of farmer beautiful wife prior to leaving stupid as dirt farmer.  Wish had taken llama with.  Llama would have made jovial travel companion.  Maria of film begin as nun, but soon discover that free spirit require more of life.  Maria leave, like farmer wife.
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Maria next begin tending children.  This where llama big problem with film arise.  Horrible, deceitful children remind llama of aforementioned locals with proclivity for rock-throwing and llama hurting.  Children of film later show moral improvement, but llama hold no hope of redemption for local youth.  Spit spit spit at screen when children show ugly faces.  Also there are Nazis.
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Beautiful Maria soon fall for cold, distant Captain in classic romance.  Again, llama swept away.  Impossible not to transport self in imagination to dancing with gentle Maria, hair like fine golden hay.  Llama weep when fuzzy lights demonstrate love for Maria and Captain.  Llama will never know such love.  Much pain felt in heart when conflicted Maria flee once more.
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Next was intermission.  Thought perfect opportunity to refresh self, and headed to icebox.  This when tragedy strike llama much like Von Trapp family.  Stupid farmer forget to return cap to jug, and milk spill all over kitchen floor.  If farmer discover, end of llama nighttime Internet adventures and film education!  For added excite, llama blame Nazis and children for troubles.  Most rest of film spent cleaning floor, so climax missed almost entirely.  Sundance Cat assisted with cleanup of milk, but nearly all real work performed by llama.
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In spite of distraction, llama did make additional notes.  Goat herding song high point of film.  Also very happy ending, as family voyage to mountainside once more in search of lush grasses.  As such, film come full circle, and llama understand classic status.  Highly recommend majestic film.  Sundance Cat somewhat indifferent, as usual.
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Well, must sign off for evening.  Farmer will return to downstairs eventually, and llama must be outside in pen.  Will return at earliest convenience to tell more to new friends.  Take good care.  Remember to climb every mountain, unless finding self confined to pen by stupid human.

I, Llama

Wind is whispering through Ponderosa Pine; screen door tapping an irregular cadence in celebrate of autumn; and here sit llama, again, alone with thoughts.
 

Oh, hello there.  Suppose introductions in order.  Am Stu.  Am llama.  Can type.  Llama live on tiny farm in cultural wasteland of Buford, Wyoming.  Live with miserable, stupid farmer.  Very bad human, make species look terrible.  Reality is, smart llama live in small pen near farmhouse.  Stupid farmer live in farmhouse.  Reality suck.
 

Know what you are thinking, as llama has heard all before.  Yes, really llama.  Yes, llama can type.  Genesis of life a bit unclear, but am glad to share with outside world.  What else for llama to do?
 

From earliest remembrance, live on same farm.  Once, in past, life much more prosperous for farmer, and ergo for llama.  Fresh alfalfa make llama fat.  Farmer wife, smart and kind, very beautiful.  Very good to llama.  No more.  Now farmer wife is gone, and only stupid farmer remain.  No more alfalfa for llama.  “Stupid Llama (as farmer name llama), no more alfalfa!  You are fat llama!”  Now life very different.
 

Farmer often retire with much drinking and sleep late.  This when llama enter farmhouse.  No fine art in farmhouse since farmer wife gone.  Only dust and sadness.  This why llama need Internet.  Only window to larger world, only escape from misery and death.  Luckily, farmer not caveman, and require human pornography.  Stupid farmer not even close blinds.
 

Llama learn to type courtesy Mavis Beacon and long pencil.  Now reaching out to world for companionship.  No other llama on farm, and very lonely.  Only friend is farmhouse cat who sit on back while llama watch films.  Thank llama deity for Netflix Instant Watch.  Farmer uncultured as hole, but llama love cinema.  Named only friend, Sundance Cat, after companion in favorite film.  Butch Cassidy once imprisoned in Wyoming, much like llama.
 

Well, friends of llama, this new endeavor has consume nearly all of llama’s evening.  What do you want, am llama?  Farmer will wake soon, and beat llama if found in farmhouse, then no more Internet adventures.  Will return at earliest convenience to report of life on stupid farm.