Llama Q & A, Vol. 1

Greetings once more, friends of Internet.  Llama still await in patience arrival of Bolivian Pixie, future bride.  In order prevent farmer review of credit card statement, llama has spent several afternoon in eating of mailbox correspondences.  Thus far, all seem to be going like work of clock, and llama has provide additional funding for expedient delivery of llama princess.  In meantime, will now respond to submitted questionings of faithful readers!

Gypsy Lady asks:

Were you ever attracted to Tina, the llama, from Napoleon Dynamite?

Llamas so rare in cinema viewings, that nearly any camelid (excepting dirty alpacas) have tendency to make llama very excite.  Tina portrayed as rather high maintenance, but llama believe this to be strict character choice.  Must admit, llama feel much more excitement in fuzziest of places for Dame Helen Mirren.  Such screen presence!

From a llama’s perspective, how was the world created?  However Earth came to be, do you believe that it was really made for man, or perhaps for llama?

Good question, gypsy lady.  Theories in certain abound as to origins of world.  While most beings of course adhere to well-worn belief that universe spat from belly of Great Llama, many feel that in more likeliness all matter shat from Great Llama posterior.  This provide more plausible explaining for lush grasses of world.  Llama unsure of such beginnings, but believe life brought to Earth by race of alien camelid visitors.  Of course Earth not create for silly man!  Is why bitter humans attempting to destroy planet.  Or maybe just very stupid.  After all, most human persons also give no thought to possibility of Llama Jesus.

Friend Jon asks: 

How do you feel about the portrayal of llamas in the media?

Llamas ignored almost entire in media…is why good Tina (noted above) only example most able to cite.  Whenever llamas are to be seen, always spit spit spitting or biting at holder of camera.  Create sense that llamas make trouble.  Llama sees no footages of respectable brothers and sisters providing fertilizers, or protecting sheep and barn fowl, or visiting unstable seniors in nursing centers.

Have you ever interacted with anyone outside of the farm?

What call this, friend Jon…not interaction? But serious, folks.  Llama have diverse interactions with many non-farm dwellers.  Each week, local children come to throw rocks at llama head.  Also, in frequency, gang of alpaca from neighboring farm come to taunt llama for loneliness and isolate.  And one time, llama go on unforgettable visit to veterinarian after fall on pointed stick pierce prodigious testicle pouch.

What happened between the farmer and his wife?  Why wouldn’t she take you with her?

Is long story.  Llama summarize.  Beautiful farmer wife, when awaking from mistaken delusions of youth, made realize that life with stupid as hole farmer would be dismal existence of no culture and adventurings.  Farmer wife flee.  Llama can provide little insight as to why llama not taken as joyful traveling companion.  Many was day that llama sat listening to lovely recitings of grand poetry from farmhouse porch.  Is possible that farmer wife not reciprocate affections of llama, but choose believe that llama left behind to help ensure that owner is not committing farmicide.  Llama know, very dark.

Anonymous asks:

Llama is such handsome, and with many evident quality of heroism and intelligent.  Llama would make greatest companion.  How can readers entice llama please to share living arrangements?

How nice to ask, anonymous reader!  Sound much like individual of wisdom and intellect.  And what unexpected question!  Suppose if readers would like friend llama for faithful living companion, need only possess moving trailer with abilities to accommodate llama, friend Sundance Cat, and forthcoming bride.  Also must travel to Buford, Wyoming.  Sooner better.  Just please to let llama know, kind readers!

That must be all for now.  Thanks to faithful followers for submissions, llama much enjoy first question and answering session.  Will perform again.  Llama must be going now, as secrecy and non-detection critical until Bolivian Pixie arrive.  Wish luck.